Early days for this page yet, but the most amusing comment heard in our offices recently is:-

"I'd like a job that didn't involve leaving my bed" - Fiona.

 

The new boy started recently at MWC. On his first day Mike told him

"Your first job is to sweep the workshop floor".

"But I'm a university graduate" replied the new boy.

"Oh yes, sorry I forgot" said Mike, "come here I 'll show you how to do it".

 

Two aerials got married. The wedding was lousy, but the reception was great.


26 interesting things that you learn
about computers, as shown in the movies...
1. Word processors never display a cursor.
2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.
4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells
that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want  by simply
typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply
typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like
they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and
monitors.
8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen
changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it
doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff
of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
(See #7, above)
11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the
data.
12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at
two gigabytes per second.
15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control
panels will explode, as will the entire building.
16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it
also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file-and
there are no undelete utilities.
17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you try to access it.
18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any
system you put it into. All application software is  usable by all computer
platforms.
19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated  graphics capability.
21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time
video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP
22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright  that it
projects itself onto his/her face.
23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.  Humans
operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down
users.
25. Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom
into any picture as far as you want to. For example: "What's that fuzzy
thing in the corner? I don't know, let's check. It's the murder weapon!".
"Let's look under the bed for the killers shoes. No, just some comics books
(Marvel 1954, very rare). Let's check the closet shelves..."
26. All the financial and accounting information of any multi-billion-dollar
international company can fit on a single 3 1/2" floppy.


A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf. 

He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions.  His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst. 

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain. 

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him.  If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She  argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN. 
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other. 
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.  
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."  His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I
want to  know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"   To which he replied,  "You see,  Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

THE TRUE LEGEND
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting
ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.  Four
of his elves got sick,  and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as
fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.  Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was
coming to visit.  This stressed Santa even more.  
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where.  More stress. 
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy
bag fell to the ground  and scattered the toys.  So,
frustrated, Santa went into the house for a  cup of coffee and a shot of
whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor and there was nothing to drink.  In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over
the kitchen floor.   
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was
made from.  
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.  He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.  The angel said, very cheerfully,
"Merry Christmas Santa.  Isn't it just a lovely day?  I have a beautiful
tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?  Where would you like me to
stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree

Brook's Law:  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Jones's Law:  The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
First Law of Debate:  Never argue with a fool--people might forget who's who.
Biondi's Law:  If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't think was important.
Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Perrussel's Law:  There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrong.
Vile's Law of Communication:  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Seay's Law:  Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Westheimer's Rule:  To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit.  Thus, we allocate two days for a one-hour task.
Cheop's Law:  Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:  The first ninety percent of the task takes ten percent of the time; the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Sevareid's Law:  The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:  If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage.  If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.
Juhani's Law:  The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising.
Weinberg's First Law:  Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Malek's Law:  Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Gummidge's Law:  The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.
Shaw's Principle:  Build a system a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Heller's Law:  The first theorem of management is that it exists.
The Law of Volunteering - If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
The Law of Avoiding Oversell - When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
The Law of Common Sense - Never accept a drink from a urologist.
The Law of Reality - Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice - When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
The Law of Motivation - Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Boob's Law - You always find something in the last place you look.
Weiler's Law - Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Law of Probable Dispersal - Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Drunkenness - You can't fall off the floor.
Law of Volunteer Labor - People are always available for work in the past tense.
Conway's Law - In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.  That person must be fired.
Iron Law of Distribution - Them that has, gets.
Law of Cybernetic Entomology - There is always one more bug.
Osborne's Law - Variables won't; constants aren't.
Main's Law - For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.
Weinberg's Second Law - If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
1st Law of Holes:  First step in getting out of the hole your dug for yourself is to stop digging.
2nd Law of Holes:  If a boss digs himself into a hole, all subordinates are expected to jump in with him.
3rd Law of Holes:  If a subordinate digs a hole, never expect the boss to jump in with him.
4th Law of Holes:  If you expect to miss the holes others have left in your path to success, stop looking back at the ones you just climbed out of.

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedlY stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he was ...just working away at this pumpkin.
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got very surprised as you'd expec and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"
Consider this...And remember that it's ALL COMPLETELY TRUE...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker:
A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Spooky isn't it?
 

 

 

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Last modified: February 09, 2006